Unconditional Love

I have the idea of loving somebody unconditionally for so long. I've always thought that when I fall in love, I will fall hard, and give it all I got, wanting absolutely nothing in return ; Unconditional Love. 

But now, I don't think that it's possible. I don't think that I am capable of such selfless act. 

I've always have this void inside of me that I expect to be filled by the love of my partner, whomever it may be. It has always been empty. A part of me just wanted to be loved, in my own terms. For the longest time I thought that this is not okay. I thought that I shouldn't expect anything in return. That love comes in all shape and form. Even without me feeling or understanding it, I should trust that I am loved once the commitment is made. Honor the commitment. Trust the process. 

Yesterday I had an epiphany, or so they say. I realized that what is the point of loving somebody if you can't make them feel loved. You can say it or write it or do it your own way so long that they understood your love language, and except in and feel it. 

But what if they can't?

What if they don't understand your love language?

What if they think it's not enough?

What happens then? Does it nullify the love you had for them? Does it meant that you're not enough? Does it meant that they're not for you? That you both are incompatible with each other?

I was crying myself to sleep last night, thinking about this. In fact, I have been crying myself to sleep for many nights before this, thinking about the lies that I have to tell myself in order to love unconditionally and at the same time, excepting the love that I am given to despite whatever it made me feel. To neglect what I feel and focus on what's best and what seems to be the easiest way to move forward. To not talk about this to anybody else as no one would understand it. 

It is not a profound concept that I used to glorify. It's just a trap that makes you feel ashamed over the actual feelings that you refused to acknowledge. Is unconditional love, healthy? Or should we reduce our own expectation over ourselves and how we think we wanted to be loved. Our idea of love has been skewed by the never ending flows of fictional love that exist only in the imagination of an author. 

There's no such thing as unconditional love. I refuse to believe it anymore.