Fuck it.

There's this sudden chill yang I still get whenever I think about how real this feeling is. Whenever you're with somebody, and you try to describe it to the people around you, you always begin with "He's different." You always say that you sort of knew this time, it wouldn't be the same. That this time, it's going to work. When really, you don't know that. You don't have the assurance that this time, this wont turn into a huge pile of horse shit, like the rest of the "different" dudes.

The reality is, you're just looking for something to hold on to. You'd want to believe that you have found the "one." Really? How do you know that?

You don't. You'll never knew.

When I embark on this journey to find myself and to re-discover the definition of me, I saw that I have always looked for the people around me when I try to imagine who I am. When really, I should be looking at myself. I need to exclude myself from the ones who used to defined me. And when I did that, I felt completely vulnerable. I feel like I have lost myself when I severed the connection that I've build with these people. I realized that I have always hidden behind them. Behind their stories, behind their agonies, behind their happiness. I have always try to be apart of some else's life. I never thought about having a my own story. My story was always about somebody else.

That all changed, when I met you.

The walls that I have subconsciously build around me, the one that have always hidden me, sheltered me from truly connecting and feeling; the wall that I never knew existed, crumbled easily when you extend your hands to touch it. I felt naked. I felt embarrassed, terrified and pathetic. But I then feel strong. It's like waking up from a great dream, only to find that the reality is even better. To be able to accept myself and love myself has change my entire perspective of life as it is.

It makes me connect. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel new.

Appreciating myself has open up an entirely new understanding of love for me. And to have you as a part of this journey, makes it all less terrifying. I admit, there's so many thing that we can't understand, and we can't make sure about the future. Tapi.. A wise man once told me.. "Fuck it!"

:)